Friendship At Work

1. We are living in an increasingly mobile society. And, life-long marriages are becoming rare. This means that many of us can no longer depend on our extended families for social support. Instead we depend on our friends to fill in the gaps. And, work is often where our friends are.
    
2. Work-friends are easily accessible, readily offering help and support. Together for long periods of time, these friends typically share interests, experiences, a professional identity, and a common history.
    
3. Workplace friendships can provide us with the avenues for dialog that we need in order to understand our world and our selves. These friends listen, console, advise, teach, share and support.
      
4. Sometimes, friendships that start out at work, are carried a step further and we become "fictive kin." This term describes the phenomenon of bringing people unrelated by birth or marriage into our inner circles, allowing for family like relationships and a sense of collective belonging, without the biological foundation.
    
5. Friendship at work is often associated with team strength, more efficient decision-making, and effective conflict management. Friendship creates a supportive business culture that discourages political behavior and promotes candor, self-disclosure, communication, tolerance, and cooperation. Friendship may bring involvement and commitment to the workplace that would not otherwise exist.
    
6. Entrepreneurs tend to find both friends and business partners at work. If you are starting a new business and you are looking for a partner, chances are you will go to a work-friend first, since you already have a working relationship. However, business ownership typically has a profound influence on friendship as this new dimension becomes layered over the previously established relationship. The effect can be either positive or negative.
    
7. The bonds of friendship can keep an employee connected to a job to the extent that s/he passes up more attractive opportunities. Ultimately, this may mean that friendship will serve to provide a business with resources that would otherwise be beyond its reach. On the other hand, when this happens, it can be detrimental to a career.
    
8. Workplace friends that are also involved with one another outside of work often have more trusting relationships. However, this close involvement may also invite severe interpersonal conflict. This conflict then has the potential to either provoke an ugly end to the relationship or increase trust as a result of a positive conflict resolution experience.
    
9. When the friendship comes first, important business decisions are often made with the friendship, not the business, in mind. Friendship typically leads to more reliance on implicit agreements and less reliance on formal contracts. So difficult issues may be sidestepped and only addressed after operational problems are encountered.
    
10. Friendship is typically associated with similarity of values, which is important for co-workers who will be making critical decisions together.
     
11. Workplace friendships, which function on multiple levels, may encounter both task and relationship difficulties. So disagreements over unmet expectations (personally or professionally) as well as disagreements over how a task should be completed can erupt.
     
12. Physical proximity is one of the building blocks for friendship. When it’s removed - one of the friends leaves work - the friendship changes. Overall, a shared history is not sufficient to sustain frequent contact between friends. It may be enough to keep the friends connected on some level but typically shared history (only) friendships turn into yearly check-ins.
     
13. The departure of a close workplace friend often sours the experience for the remaining worker. A void is created when someone very close is suddenly removed from our day-to-day existence, bringing about feelings of rejection and abandonment. Having a big emotional investment in this friend - she knows me, she knows my story, etc. - makes finding a replacement even more difficult, and often prompts the remaining friend to find another job.
     
14. Typically, friendships start out an with unspoken balance sheet. Each friend assesses how much is given and how much is received. Anything can go onto the balance sheet - he listens to me, she is willing to watch my kids, he makes me laugh, she sees my positive traits, etc. Eventually, in long-term friendships the balance sheet blurs and the friends just trust that things will eventually even out. But, sometimes, something happens that raises a red flag. One of the friends feels discounted or devalued and s/he reevaluates the balance sheet. Often, at these times one friend decides to end or drastically alter the friendship. Sometimes the friends are able to talk about this and move beyond the episode to create a stronger and more trusting friendship. But, often this conversation doesn't happen and one of them just walks away.
     
15. Here are six tips for keeping the bonds strong even when its time to put your cards on the table.
    (1) Prepare. Make some notes about the situation and your feelings. Write about where you are, where you want to be, and how you might get there.
    (2) Set the stage. Sit down at a time when you are both clear headed and able to give this important conversation the time and energy it deserves.
    (3) Speak from the heart. Do not point fingers of blame. Instead focus on finding a solution that works for both of you. This is collaboration.
    (4) Give yourselves time to think, process the information, and cool down.
    (5) Don’t leave conflicts unresolved. An agreement to disagree is resolution. Leaving the conflict open sets you up for future fights.
    (6) If all else fails, get a third opinion. Often an outside opinion can shed light on your blind spots and help you reach agreement.