Dealing With Difficult People

We all know them; those difficult people who seem to delight in spreading misery. Inevitably, you will encounter a difficult person in your personal or professional life. And, this difficult employee, colleague, supplier, customer, relative, neighbor, or friend will bring distress into your life. However, with the right strategies, you can deal with him or her effectively. First lets define what a difficult person is.

Difficult people defined

Difficult people have learned that they can keep others off balance by acting up. If you are dealing with someone whose bad behavior is frequent and habitual and most people, not just the overly sensitive or those who lack confidence, find him or her hard to take, you have a difficult person on your hands. Worst of all, these difficult people appear immune to all the usual methods of communication and persuasion designed to convince or help them change their ways. Here is my list of the eight difficult types you may encounter.

* The Bully is angry, abusive, abrupt, aggressive, intimidating, hostile, and
unpredictable. Needing to always get his way, he goes-off over little things, expecting
others to either run away or react with rage.

* Passive-aggressive personalities say yes and do no. Examples include being
late for an event she doesn’t want to attend or leaving a note to avoid a face-to-face
discussion.

* The Snipper takes potshots and makes sneak attacks in subtle ways, such as
humorous put-downs, sarcastic remarks, disapproving looks, and innuendoes.

*Negative Nelly is a complainer who is fearful, has little faith in himself and others, and believes that the world is a hostile place. His negativity, resentfulness, and disappointment in life throw cold water on every idea and crush all glimmers of optimism.

* The Blamer avoids taking responsibility and instead, using an accusatory and self-righteous tone, finds fault with everything and everyone.

* Unresponsives limit risk and seek safety by responding with a sullen look, an “I don't know,” or silence. They get away with not talking because the people around them are uncomfortable with silence and too quick to fill in the gaps.

*The Yes-person is a super-agreeable people pleaser who over-promises and never delivers.

* The Know-it-all is an expert who comes across like a bulldozer with an aura of personal authority that is condescending, imposing, and pompous.

Your reaction

You don't need to go through life holding your breath or walking on eggshells. Here are some strategies you can use to cope effectively with difficult people.

· First, assess the situation. Is this really a difficult person or is he just having a bad day?

· Set boundaries and limitations regarding what you will and will not tolerate from others.

· Seek understanding regarding the difficult person’s true motivation.

· Know when to let go and move on. Your best option may be to withdraw from the relationship even though that might mean quitting your job, divorcing your spouse, eating lunch alone, or moving far away from your parents or grown children. We all get to choose whom we allow to take up space in our lives - choose wisely.

· Don't fight back or try to beat them at their own game. They have been practicing their skills for a lifetime, and you're an amateur.

· Don't try to appease them. Difficult people have an insatiable appetite for more.

· Don't try to change them. You can only change your responses to their behavior.

· Take a detached, impersonal view. Your difficult person’s bad behavior is not about you. So don’t interpret this behavior as a personal attack, instead see it as it is - just the way she is.

· Do the opposite of what he expects. Change your response and avoid getting caught up in the cycle.

· Time your responses so that you respond when the difficult person is not under excessive stress or obligation.

· Let the difficult person say what she wants. Give her the last word because you will have the last action.

· Find a common goal, intention or “enemy” that you share with the difficult person. Now, you can be on the same team.

· Assert yourself, expressing your own views while avoiding the battle for right and wrong.

· Take an unpredictable action to get his attention: drop a book, stand up, firmly call him by name, get him to sit down and don't sit until he does.

· Wait for her to run out of steam. Then call her by name and assert your stand with confidence.

· Respond to pot-shots and attacks with a question: “That sounds like you're making fun of me. Are you?” The response may be one of denial, “I'm only joking,” but nevertheless, questioning these attacks will reduce them in the future.

· Insist on a problem solving approach, with complaints and suggestions for resolution in writing.

· Assign fact-finding tasks to those who don’t like the status quo.

· Listen attentively so that the difficult person can blow off steam and feel heard.

· Don't debate his negative outlook. Instead, respond with your own optimistic expectations.

· When dealing with someone who is unresponsive, avoid filling the space with words to ease your own discomfort. Comment on the fact that you find it interesting that she is choosing not to communicate, then ask:

• Are you concerned about my reaction? How do you think I'll react?
• You look distressed/worried/concerned/annoyed/angry/impatient/uncomfortable. Am I misinterpreting?

Then wait for a response.

· Give negative people the role of "reality checker" and require the citing of specifics rather than the use of sweeping generalizations.

· Make “I want to find solutions that work for both of us” your mantra when dealing with a difficult person. Keep reminding him that finding a mutually acceptable solution is your goal.

Dealing with difficult people takes practice so don’t give up or get discouraged. Although these strategies won't change the difficult person, they will challenge his or her ability to interfere in your life.