Apologies

The 12-Steps teach us to make a list of all persons we have harmed and make direct amends wherever possible. Sort of like Earl in "My Name is Earl" - one of my favorite shows on TV. Here are my thoughts on apologies.

• A good apology can be very powerful and go a long way towards repairing a relationship. Even if you don't want reconciliation, an apology can bring closure and internal peace.
   
• Doctors who apologize to their patients for medical mistakes don't get sued nearly as much as the ones who take a more arrogant attitude.
   
• People in the wrong are often afraid to apologize; either because they believe that an apology will make them legally liable or open them up to blame and shame.
   
• Many of the cases that I mediate - especially consumer and workplace cases - could easily be settled by someone making a decent/sincere apology. The problem is - usually - both people think that they have been wronged. It's often difficult to make an apology if you think that the apology should be made to you. Avoid this trap and base your actions on the big picture.
   
• People on the receiving end of the apology are usually so grateful for the apology that almost anything works. You may simply apologize for the distress that the situation has caused both of you and your portion in creating it. However, if you want to make a really meaningful apology it should include each of the following five components:
   
  • An expression of regret – I am sorry
  • Acceptance of responsibility – I was wrong or I made a mistake
  • Making restitution – What can I do to make it right? Or, is there anything I can do to make it right?
  • A future plan – I will not do it again.
  • A request for forgiveness – Can you forgive me?
     
• Let the receiver know that it is not your intention to re-hash the situation - just apologize. However, if you get a third person involved - someone to act as the mediator - you may be able to re-define the issues at hand and see the initial conflict in a different light.

An apology can be magical, cleansing, and healing. What apologies are in order for you? If you need help with an apology, please let me know.